Something Clever and Unique...

See? I came up with a clever and unique title for today's blog!

Its been a hellofaweek for me and some how, some way, I stepped on that scale and had a loss of about a half pound from two weeks ago,  - and a whopping 4.2 lbs from last week's fluke scale visit. I'm also seeing GREEN again for quite a few days in a row now on my fatsecret account and it feels SO GOOD! I love being under my little RDI number, and it absolutely helps refocus me.

This week, I've been thinking so much about weight - as in how it weighs down my thoughts. I hate thinking about my weight all the time. Its more exhausting than actually working out. I am thinking about gaining weight, losing weight, being a certain size, being able to accomplish some physical feat, eating the right thing, not eating the wrong thing, feeling guilty if I eat the wrong thing, calories in, calories out, tracking, boot camp, bikinis, the commitment for the rest of my life, my goal, blogging about weight or its positive connotation "being fit and healthy", why I want it, feeling happy for the most part at my weight, but feeling like I'd be happier at a thin weight. Cheese and Rice, people! Its consuming!

Can watching what you eat just be a component of your life? How do you keep it from encompassing your life? Even if I'm just sitting on the couch, everything is about planning what tomorrow brings workout and food-wise, being afraid if I can't control the environment, feeling bad that I didn't get an extra workout it. Sometimes it feels like for as much as I think and think and think about it - I'll never hit that 155 mark, and when I do, will I still think about these "weighty" issues all of the time?

What really drives me batty is when I start to worry about what other people think... we have a friend coming to our boat this weekend who is nice, and pretty and has a tremendous body... and I am so worried about what I will look like in the upcoming pictures, and if I wear a bikini (because I do love a tanned tummy) - are they going to think, WTF is she doing in a bikini? And WHY do I care? How do you stop?

Alright. There's today's unleashed PanNORA's box of crazy for you.

On the bright side, I'm stoked about getting down to 182.8, and I'm only 3#'s from being in the 170's again for the first time in 3 or 4 years probably. When I was at my highest, 196, I thought - I only have to lose 10 lbs 4x to get to goal, and I keep thinking to myself, I've knocked off the first 10 lbs, and I'm almost halfway to the second.

Like being on a treadmill and pushing yourself to the next .10 of a mile.

If you have the time - you have to go check out Gina's blog. She just finished P90x with tremendous results - 16 lbs, 9+ inches, 10% drop in body fat. before and after photos can be found on the left side of the screen.

Am I crazy?

Wait… don’t answer that. Alright – here’s a call to any runners out there – is 11 weeks enough time to train for a half-marathon? Yes, I said it. A half-marathon. There is a race that I participate in August, typically just a 5k, that also has a marathon component… And I’m really thinking about running it. But is that too much on my plate? I have boot camp 4 days a week in the morning, that could suffice as some of the cross training… but what about making time for the long runs? I found a program with Friday and Monday’s off, that I think I could tackle… I just have a hard time being disciplined on the weekend. We have a houseboat that we keep on the river, so there are times where I’m literally not on land for three days. And the week after the 4th of July, that same problem occurs, where I may not be able to run for a week because we are taking vacation on our boat, and I just don’t know how often I’ll get to shore.

Decisions Decisions. The half-marathon has a relay component, each person runs 6.5 miles, but I don’t know if I can find a buddy to participate with me?

Hmmm. Again, with the decisions decisions.

I am just having one of those moments where I feel like I have a lot of plates spinning, but maybe this is one of those things if I add it, I can control it… unlike a few of the other plates, I just have to react and keep them spinning. Enough of the plate analogy already?

Anyway – input would be welcomed.

"Slept" in a wind tunnel do to crazy hot weather last night. Father time and Mother Nature obviously arguing and punishing me at 4:45 this morning.

BYOC & TGIF!

From Drazil - "So here we go - 5 questions - funny and serious - to get to know each other better! Join in if you dare!"

1. If you had 3 wishes what would they be and why? (you can't wish for more wishes or money!)(Thanks Steph)

1. I wish everyone on earth could drink clean water. Water is essential to life, and without that, how is progress expected in other areas of life?
2. I wish to be able to consume 3,000 calories every day and still be healthy with killer abs. (hey – it’s a wish, right?)
3. I wish to live a long, happy, healthy life with my significant other. Our parents have poor health and have gone through divorces and already putting spouses in nursing homes and such. I just want us to live happily and healthy together for the rest of our lives.

2. If you had all the money in the world and perfect circumstances - how many children would you have and what sex?

I would like either two girls or twin girls. Maybe a boy first then a girl. Who knows. Health first, gender next! :)

3. Have you ever faked it? (Because I need to laugh...feel free to skip this one if it's too personal.)

No… why reward bad behavior? Lol.

4. What movie character do you think you look like?

I’ve never been told I look like anyone. I’ve been told I have “distinct” or “unique” features. I hope that doesn’t mean I’m funny looking! Haha.

5. Repeat question. Which blog or comment spoke to you or stuck with you this week and why?

Diz from Death by Calories posted yesterday about noticing how other people eat their food. (particularly noticing thin people). I’ve also done that – and I’ve wondered – what does that mean of me for focusing on other people? Or wanting seconds when everyone else stopped halfway through firsts? I also received a lot of supportive comments on my blog which I so appreciate. I think it’s amazing that people take the time to read my posts and read my thoughts. I feel like there are some really terrific blogs that actually HELP people out there, so mine feels kind of irrelevant, or that it doesn’t offer much to other people, so when someone takes the time to read… wow. It’s just so so nice and it makes me want to be a better blogger and a writer. I’m also positive that I will be successful this time in getting rid of these damn 40# that haunt my thoughts all day long BECAUSE of this amazing blogland community. 
I hope everyone has a terrific weekend... I'm running the bluff again and going to kick some ass. Hope you can all do the same!

Still not sweating it...

Calories in/Calories out would lead one to believe that I should have lost about a pound since last Thursday, not a gain of almost 4 lbs! That would be an EXTRA 14,000 calories in 7 days! Funny thing is - yesterday, I bought a pair of size 10 pants for the first time in about 4 years! So what the heck? Still sucks - nobody likes to see that,

Not going to sweat it. Just going to keep focused on my refreshed attitude of planning my meals and keeping my RDI in the green... I got in a little extra workout this morning and I plan on going for a walk over my lunch hour today. It is supposed to be great weather, and I have no car to help me escape any other way.

Starting to think about what my workout challenge will be this weekend, and I'm starting to consider running Soldier's Bluff twice for about a 4-5 mile run, and I would get two mean, long, nasty hill runs in.

Thank you to everyone for the supportive comments on my last few posts. It was a little strange feeling so exposed and honest - instead of trying to sugar coat things in the land of Puppy Dogs and Ice Cream, so thanks for letting me bitch - and again, thanks for the comments. It totally is helping me snap back into Weight loss/Exercise Ninja mode. Here's to making it a good day. Its Wednesday! The work week is half way done!

Pity Party O-V-E-R

As promised, my one day funk is over. I'm back into my routine of boot camp at the crack of dawn, some extra quality elliptical time, having my planned-out lunch, and will have a good dinner. Ah. Breathing a sigh of relief to control again. I think yesterday felt out of control (because of decisions I've made) but now I've grabbed the reigns again and I'm feeling like a champ.

Why berate myself so heavily for having a bad week? Again - I still was under my calorie burn, just over my RDI. And I'm at over 6 weeks of steady weight loss. This isn't some fad intense detox for me, but rather a controlled rise into a healthier, maintainable lifestyle. Why be so focused on what didn't go well, and focus a little more on my victories? Now don't confuse this with making excuses for what I did, because you know what? I'm okay with it. Life happens and its a good reminder of what I'm trying to accomplish and the consequences to good and bad decisions.

Regardless. Moving on. Done with that subject.

Whiny Blog... Consider Yourself Warned.

So this is the blog where I whine and pout through the whole thing. As noted above – consider yourself warned.

I’m pissed off because the last week – I SUCKED at food. Ugh. My Fatsecret.com diet calendar screams at me in the red “in excessive of my RDI” for the past few days… now, my RDI (recommended daily intake) that I’m shooting for is 1600 calories, so if I ever go above that, that’s when these annoying red percentages (110%, 138%... 187%!) you get the picture. Not every day results in a day where I consume more calories than I burn – but I’ve not been chasing after that glorious green # of staying under my RDI. I’m just so pissed off at myself for these decisions I’ve been making. And I SEE exactly what’s been happening, and I make these decisions with every meal, and I even think about what I *should* eat, but I blow it off anyway. Dammit. I just need to get back in the right state of mind.

I made it to Spin on Saturday so I got some exercise in, but yesterday, while it was a FANTASTIC day (we anchored out on Lake Pepin with fellow boaters), I drank too much alcohol, leading me to have to spend the night on our houseboat, and I missed boot camp this morning. Not to mention, I feel like a GIANT loser for having a hangover on Monday. At work. I’m trying to be positive and think how much fun yesterday was, and that no, I don’t make decisions like that often. But I’m just frustrated and disappointed in myself. I’ve been doing so well this time, and I’ve been throwing it away the past week.

I know what I’m doing wrong. I know what’s done is done. I know I need to move on and let it go. But it doesn’t make it any easier to do so. I’m really disappointed I let discipline slide and disappear from my life the past week. Its time to get it back.

So here I am. Hungover, at work, on a Monday, sunburned, and disappointed. Time to make a grocery store trip and pull myself out of this Sorry Sally funk. We've all been there. We all know what needs to be done. But can I have a pity party today and whine? Ugh. 210 minutes of work left, then I can leave and punish myself with the P90x Chest and Back DVD to make up for this morning's missed workout because I sure do love working out with a hanger. Blah.

BYOC - and more t-pizzle stuff in blogland.

Not sure what to write today - I'm getting a massage afterwork, which will hopefully make me feel a little better about the Chipotle I inhaled ate for lunch today. I'm planning a relaxed evening, but a good workout for the morning. We'll see if I'll be hitting the streets or the gym - its a weather dependent decision.

1. If you could be a cartoon character – who would you be and why?
Does anyone remember the cartoon from the 90’s on MTV named “Daria”? I think I would so be Daria. Sarcastic, unathletic, and occasionally snaps. However – I also could totally be her sassy, ditzy, dramatic sister Quinn, but not quite as mean spirited.

2. Who was your teenage heart throb?
Can honestly say I didn’t have one. Did I miss out?

3. Do you believe being overweight is about a mental obstacle or do you believe it’s simply about overeating/food?
Hmmm. It’s probably a combination of both. I think if I knew the answer, it wouldn’t be such a lifelong battle for me. Everything that I read about the processed foods, the white flour and sugar, the high fructose corn syrup – I believe this stuff is not good for our bodies, although, not critical if enjoyed in moderation. But I also believe that a lot of people have gone through some painful sh*t, and instead of turning to alcohol, drugs (legal or illegal), food can fill a void like those other substances can. With that being said, it would be really hard to eat 10,000 calories of fruits and veggies, and not so hard of bread, pizza, ice cream, etc. Anytime I have a hard day, I don’t exactly (ever) say, “Pass the celery stick.”

4. What’s your all-time favorite song?
OOO! I love so many songs! I’m a music junky! Since I could never pick a favorite, a few in my top 10 are: “God Only Knows” and “Sloop John B” by the Beach Boys, “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey, “Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, “I’m so lonesome I could cry” by Hank Williams, "Life by the Drop" by Steve Ray Vaugh and "Miss You" by Blink 182 and on and on and on. Sorry. Shall I list my whole Ipod or do you have better things to do?

5. Whose blog or comment spoke to you/stuck with you this week and why? This is our “you get to be famous for a moment” without having to follow all the rules of an official blog award question.
I loved Drazil’s feminine product blogs this week, because they made me laugh (it was a crabby, dreary week) and I’m typically that girl stuff like that happens to. Case in point – leaving Best Buy this morning, digging my keys out of my typically empty purse, the security guard is already staring me down and making me feel nervous – and out pops a t-pizzle and it rolls across the floor like a stolen CD. And – I don’t even have a reason to have that in my purse this week. I proceeded to pick it up, jam it in my damn purse, and continue the search for my keys (that were in my back pocket) outside. Not a super huge deal, but still embarrassing even at 27.

I also SO admired Amy W. for putting herself "out there" like she did, and she got feed back from so many people that made me feel not alone when I've had similar thoughts to hers. Also that she was brave enough to confront her feelings - when it could have been easier (i use the word loosely) to attempt to bury them.

611 calories gone in an hour of spin! Not to mention some serious sweat detox! Yeah baby!

I’ll Show You 2 Onion Rings and Question for Y’all

I’ve been silent the past few days. Very busy at work, and somebody gave their computer a virus yesterday afternoon, shutting down blogging and work-related activities. I’ve started week 5 of boot camp. One fun fact is that last Friday I committed to running up to the top of Memorial Park/Soldier’s Bluff in Red Wing, and I did! It felt great! It was tough, but I totally felt like Rocky at the top. It’s a three-mile loop from my boat to the top of the bluff and back, and it sure was FUN to run down! I’ve reached the conclusion that running is a bit easier when gravity is working with you. Now, not gonna lie, I did do a run/walk combination up the hill, as my heart rate monitor was going off the charts. I think it feels better that I said I was going to run to the top of the bluff, and despite cold weather and sleet while running up the hill, I followed through with something I said I was going to do.

Eating the past few days have been less than stellar. I haven’t hit the grocery store, so I’m running low on all the things that provide me consistency in my diet. Staples like bananas, berries, cottage cheese, string cheese, etc. I’m planning on hitting Spin class tonight because I want my 3,000 calorie burn day, and I’ll easily surpass that with an hour of spin. Its one of those days where I feel like I could go forever – I’m hoping that energy carries on until class later.

Fun stories of the day include:

Didn’t pack a lunch today so just ran to the deli counter and asked for a chicken breast and splurged and asked for a side of onion rings. The b*tch at the counter gave me: 2. .30 cents worth of onion rings. I didn’t realize this until I skipped my chicken and went right for the greasy golden rings of goodness, and couldn’t help but think, WTF? Who gets TWO onion rings? It was the universe telling me to layoff the onion rings, chubby. But dammit. And sure. Now I’m fine with the fact I got two onion rings - it would have sucked having that big calorie & fat-laden food journal entry, but seriously? I’m more just surprised by the deli woman and her stingy onion-ring distributing behaviors.

Second story is not so much of a story – but a brief poll.

1) Has anyone taken a Turbo Kick class? Thoughts/reactions?
2) Has anyone run a half-marathon? How long did it take you to train? Thoughts? What program did you use?

Much love for a happy hump day.

Question Fridays - BYOC!

Happy Friday All! So looking forward to the weekend! Even though the weather is not so good, I have a challenge for myself this weekend. We have a boat on the river that we go to every weekend in the spring/summer/fall. There is a huge bluff that has a great park and amazing views from on top of it. My goal is to wake up bright and early tomorrow morning and run/walk up this thing. Its a mile and a half up of all steep hill, and then head back down. I really think its going to be hard but I'm so psyched up for this challenge! The picture below is from up top a few weeks ago (that we drove to the top to get!)

Second portion of this blog is the BYOC - Question part from Drazil's Blog.

1. Do you have any nicknames?
My grandma has called me “Nor Nor” since I was a baby. And she is the only one allowed to do so. Recently, the nickname “Norla” emerged, which is a long story involving AAA giving me a wrong membership card. My pet name from my bf is “Pie” – which also emerged from Norla. Thank you lazy AAA data entry person.

2. What was your “last straw”? The incident/situation that made you decide to get a lap band or commit to losing weight via any plan this time?
Hmmm. I think I am just tired of failing. I really wanted to be “hot” at SOME point in my 20’s, and I became tired of inaction. Time therefore life, keeps passing and I don’t want another goal to pass me by.

3. What’s your favorite joke or funny story?
Hilarious – because my favorite joke is also Drazil’s. So, now I’m stumped for a new one. Let’s see. Well, two years ago I broke my leg doing cartwheels. The funny part is, I was doing a lot of them and finally bf said, “You better stop that or you’re going to get hurt.” I replied, “Its okay – I have health insurance now.” (As I just had gone about 6 months without it and only had it for 11 days) Sure enough, my next cartwheel was also my last and I broke my leg.

4. If you could be a TV dinner – what flavor would you be?
Ummm. Can I pick my favorite meal in front of the TV? That would be pizza, sugary soda and ice cream for dessert. Otherwise – typically not a big fan of frozen meals.

5. The question we do every week so everyone can be a little famous without having to do an official blog award….what blog or comment stuck with you or spoke to you the most this week and why?
The blog that stuck with me most this week was from Confessions of a + Sized Girl. She talked about how scary change was, and also about her self-esteem, and instantly the next day took some ownership to make a little change in her life. (Blog dates 5/2 and 5/3). I really enjoyed it and thought about it often this past week about why I want what I do and what’s kept me from getting there before. Jenny also commented to me about a lame coworker with a comment that floored me, and makes shake my head about people and judgement.

Have a super Friday! Own it, Love it, Live it!

What a Slore!

Coworker from yesterday, after being bothered by her all afternoon, told me that I looked slimmer. I know I took the compliment too personally - and it was more about the fact she said it in front of the skinny snotty coworkers (commenting coworker is not thin) - but then receiving her sincere compliment that I was looking thinner makes me feel angry about being mad at the slore yesterday. Whatever. Set it and Forget it. Actually - that's a Ron Propeal coined term. How about, forget it and move on?

Thursday afternoon and patiently waiting for my frenemy, the weekend to arrive, along with her BFF's alcohol and fatty, greasy, tasty food.

Done with work a little early to watch my youngest sister in a track meet. Happy Thirsty Thursday!

Hulk Thighs, Muffin Top and Moose Knuckles

1) This week’s boot camp weigh in came with a whopping .4 lbs weight loss. I don’t even sarcastically mean whopping, because Monday / aka 4# higher, to have even come in the realm of last week’s WI number would have seemed like quite the accomplishment. And some how, some way – bam! .4 lbs. You’re damn right I’ll take that. Although my kidneys are just a touch sore, I can only imagine from shoving down gallons of water to flush out the sodium left behind from my toxic, yet delicious and satisfying, weekend. Also boot camp related, my M/W trainer and accountability expert Amanda is leaving my gym this week. I'm disappointed she's unable to complete the rest of this boot camp session.

2) Had a moment at lunch today where I really wanted to knock a coworker out. (Coming from HR – I would have to write myself up – therefore creating more work for me.) It may sound silly and a little dramatic that I became so bothered by this, but when I was making my nice chemical-laden bag of microwave popcorn, a coworker asks “Oh, is that on your diet?” This was in front of the 7 women that bring in some sort of treat to the office literally everyday and don’t get fat. (although – we’ve been having bathroom stall issues. Related?) But, I just felt so embarrassed when she called me out on my “diet” in front of other people. For one thing, the word “diet” has this mocking undertone to me, like “what’s your short term solution going to be this time?”. The other thing is that I totally felt called out on my insecurities. “Hello – I know I’m fat, especially compared to all of you.” Ugh. It so irritated me. And between being caught off-guard and the cheery push over that I am. I came back to my office to only sit and think about it the rest of the afternoon.

I’ve wrote about this before, but even on a few of my favorite blogs, this seems to have been coming up, but how do you stay motivated and accepting that this is a lifestyle change. If you want to be thin, healthy, whatever, it has to be more than just a diet until you hit goal?

3) This all probably wouldn’t be such a big deal had I not chosen to wear a pair of Capri’s that last year 10 lbs heavier I thought I could pull off. Yowza. Now the low-rise, muffin-top exposing, if I pull them up I emphasize what on thin women is a camel toe that I lovingly refer to as a Moose Knuckle, and I feel like if I flexed my thighs while sitting, they may just burst out of my Capri’s like the angry and misunderstood Hulk pants are driving me crazy.

And with that lovely imagine to rest your thoughts on, I go.

Went to the gym for SECOND time today and surpassed my 3000 calorie burn goal! Bring it, baby!

I’ve returned to the world of blogging… I tracked everything I ate over my birthday weekend, and it was all fabulous…. And very clear as to why I’m 40# overweight! Damn. I also may have found a flaw in my calories in/calories out theory, because even while tracking everything – the scale reads that I gained a whopping 4#. This is leading me to drink lots of water, (on my 3rd liter of the day), because I do NOT want to gain. Remain the same, okay with. Gain, not so okay with. And that calorie in/calorie out theory should lead me to a wash this week. Son of a gun.

Inner Fat Girl certainly did not pack today’s lunch of raw veggies, hummus, cottage cheese and perfectly portioned pretzels. She must have still been in a food coma from this weekend. But again, my birthday, so not that I deserved to binge and indulge, but it was worth it. I had one of the best weekends with my SO that I’ve had in a long time, and he put in a lot of effort to show just how much he loves me. Including treating me to a bottle of Dom Perignon for my present. (Also an adorable professional photo book of all the great times we've had over the past 5 years)

I’m looking into getting Internet down at our boat. I really like to at least be able to chime in on other bloggers, and it really keeps my own head straight about why I’m trying to gain control of my food life. It seems as though what we eat is a reflection on other areas of our life and if this falls in line, maybe I’ll have the discipline and confidence to achieve other things important to me. Lessons I believe that WL will teach me.

My boot camp instructor overslept today but we stuck around and did a group workout together. I also squeezed another 20 minutes on the elliptical. I also am so afraid of boot camp punishment that I’m heading to the gym again tonight for about 40 minutes because tomorrow will be birthday dinner with dear old day. He is making a lean protein, but also makes a mean garlic bread and dessert that I will need to plan for.

Happy Monday.